Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Watching her eat just hurts me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
