You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
