planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
