I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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