Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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