my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
