I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
