i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
