So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
