i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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