I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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