What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
