This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
