life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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