There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
