Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
