Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
