OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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