OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
