I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
