Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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