Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I want her autograph on my taint
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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