We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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