it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
