remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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