i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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