Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
