quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
