fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
