Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
