I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
