you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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