look no pants
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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