I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
