i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
