so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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