areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
