i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Your dad touched me again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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