he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
