Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
