i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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