Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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