if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
