I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
