The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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