So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
