Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
