I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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