the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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