Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
